miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
