I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
