Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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