just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
