.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
