it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
