This dress was meant to end up on your floor
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm both gender and math confused
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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