I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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