How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
