I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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