make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
