I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
