At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
