You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
