Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
