mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Randomize
