the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
