Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
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