distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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