You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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