Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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