you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
