it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
