I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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