So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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