Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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