I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Text me some of your sweat
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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