Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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