so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
