i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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