New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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