I must be too annoying 4 u.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
