Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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