Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
