you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
