Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
