Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize