my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
