I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
