I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
