There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
