my mouth tastes like poor choices
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i wish my penis had a tongue
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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