There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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