Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
