my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
