We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
