End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
How naked do you want me to be?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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