i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
