you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
