1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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