when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
