my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
