3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
