so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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