a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I love you.
Bad choice
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize