I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
