I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
