you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
